


Hiraeth

by PrezidentTaquito



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28422297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrezidentTaquito/pseuds/PrezidentTaquito
Summary: Tommy stepped closer to the heat, toes hovering over nothing but empty air.“What will you do if I go through?”“I will kill you.”“What about my home..?”“Tommy, I will actually, genuinely, kill you.”He took a relaxed step off the edge.Maybe he would come back as a ghost like Wilbur.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 3
Kudos: 199





	Hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time uploading anything I've written in like two years, so pardon mistakes I only edited this once. I'll update when I can :)

“We’ll be back soon Tommy! I’ll bring a picture of the tree for you!” His older brother called out. 

Tommy watched quietly as the group stepped through the portal, each wearing a different expression. Wilbur looked excited as he faded through the purple swirls, he didn’t know any better. He didn’t know that Tommy wouldn’t be able to come home. Sapnap looked less happy than he used to, but he still held a small smile on his face. For some reason it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Then there was Dream, he was the last one to walk through, Tommy watched as he lifted his mask above his mouth and the wicked grin that crossed his lips made Tommy draw in a sharp breath. 

“Oh… Okay…”

He heard the deep ‘woosh’ of the glowing purple one last time and the three were gone. Tommy sighed and turned away from the hub, walking out onto the dark blackstone path that led to the various other portals around the world. His portal was so far. He didn’t feel like making that journey back. 

He stepped close to the edge, staring down at the vast expanse of molten lava hundreds of feet below him, eyes glazing over as he looked down blankly. The glowing swirls of the magma were captivating in their own deadly way, hauntingly beautiful. His head fell forward and he closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Letting it out slowly, he opened them again, the red of the nether wasn't comforting. 

It wasn’t home. 

He wanted to go home. 

Back to before everything had gone to hell, back to the beginning. Maybe then he could have changed things. 

_Was there anything I could really do?_

He could have saved everyone, even if it meant sacrificing himself. 

_Would it have even been worth it?_

* * *

  
  


Tommy searched through his memories until he stopped at one. One that meant more to him than almost anything else, more than the discs. It was a pleasant summer afternoon and Wilbur had taken Fundy, Tubbo, and him out of the small town they lived in. It was before the walls of L’Manburg had been constructed. It might have been one of the last truly happy memories the group had had together. Tommy remembered his smaller legs running through the grass as he raced Tubbo and how Fundy’s shorter legs had struggled to keep up with them. The breeze washed through Tommy’s blond hair as it shone like the sea in the sun. Laughter floated through the air as he heard Wilbur call out to them to slow down, but he only pushed forward at a faster pace. 

When he reached the crest of the hill he paused, skidding to a halt. Under the curving branches of the oak tree as old as time sat Eret. When he caught Tommy’s eye he smiled and greeted the boy kindly. Tommy opened his mouth, but a force ran into his back, knocking him and the assailant over. They both let out startled yells. 

“Tommy, Tubbo!” Eret cried, getting up and hurrying over to the pile that was the children. 

They both looked at each other for a moment, as if surprised as the other sat there. Then they both grinned and burst out into laughter, the sound echoing through the valley. Wilbur had heard and he rushed up the hill just behind Fundy. 

“Boys! What are you doing?”

“Oh, Wilbur!” Eret said, looking up from helping the children off the ground and dusting their clothes, “I didn’t think you’d be here this early.”

“They were all crazy about getting out of the house, if we stayed any longer they would have driven me insane.” 

The other laughed, smoothing out the dress skirt, “Well now everyone is here.”

Wilbur smiled softly as Fundy ran the rest of the way to Eret and was picked up and spun around. His happy snickers made his father melt. His little champion. Tommy watched the interaction with round, curious eyes.

He leaned down to Tubbo and whispered in his ears, _“Adults are weird.”_

“We should never grow up,” The brunet replied. 

“And we’ll never leave each other. Promise?” Tommy held out his hand with his pinky sticking out. 

Tubbo grabbed it without hesitation as he looked into Tommy’s eyes with a fierce loyalty, _“I promise. Forever.”_

Tommy grinned back, he smiled with passion as he looked down at their linked hands. It was their bond, a trust that could never be broken. A promise that would last more than a lifetime. 

And then he blinked and the memory was washed away, leaving Tommy standing on the black path, hot air making his clothes stick to his body with sweat and his hair damp. Leaving him alone in a place far from home with no one on his side but the ghost of a brother who had not been forgiven and the memory of a happy childhood that couldn’t be returned to. 

* * *

  
  


He was so swept up in his own head that Tommy didn’t register the sound of the portal being used again behind him. 

Tommy stepped closer to the heat, toes hovering over nothing but empty air. 

_“What will you do if I go through?”_

_“I will kill you.”_

_“What about my home..?”_

_“Tommy, I will actually,_ genuinely, _kill you.”_

He took a relaxed step off the edge. 

Maybe he would come back as a ghost like Wilbur.

Suddenly, he was yanked back, away from the edge, away from his contented memories. He stumbled, but took another step forward. Was it defiance? Was it him finally giving up? He didn’t entirely understand himself, but it had been done without thinking. 

When he was held back again he looked up and through the heat filled haze saw the white mask that haunted him nightly. 

Tommy peered longingly at the red and orange floating below. 

“It’s not your time to die yet, Tommy,” Dream said quietly, resting a hand on his shoulder. 

His grip was tight. He was being cautious. 

Tommy pulled away again, slower, away from his way back, before muttering quietly, “It’s never my time to die…” 

“That is true.” 

There was a glare sent in the direction of the man in the armor that glowed dimly in the dark of the nether, but there was little malice behind it. He was too tired to care. 

“Let’s just… Go back.” 

Dream looked at him, but that stupid _goddamn mask_ was always in the way. He could never tell what the older male was thinking. All he saw was the stark white of the mask and the offset smile that always looked down at him like he was but dirt beneath the older man's boots. 

They traversed across the rocky nether together, making it back to Tommy’s portal after some time. The teen was tired to the bone, his feet hurt and his nose stung from all the smoke he had inhaled. 

When they finally got through the purple swirling and Tommy stepped foot on the green grass of the northern land he was exiled to, he nearly collapsed. He just barely made it back to the small cabin before he would collapse from fatigue. 

Dream watched him walk in, but stayed sitting outside on one of the barrels that afternoon, sharpening his axe and polishing his armor from the spot. Tommy had little care what he did for the rest of the day, he just wouldn’t give the man his time. Not today. 

Tommy dropped onto the pile of hay and furs he had called a bed the last few weeks and curled into a ball. He took notice of the soot that covered his skin and clothes, and realized he almost didn’t recognize his own reflection in the cauldron of water across the room days ago when he was washing his face. The bright blue of his eyes were duller and the bags under them had gotten darker, his hair a mess and his clothing torn. He almost couldn’t care less about how he looked anymore. No one but his dead brother and the man who drove him from his home would see anyways. 

That night as the rain poured down on the roof and thunder growled lowly in the distance and lightning flashed across the sky, as the scratch of pen on paper and the soft hum of his older brother broke the silence in the room, he was lulled into a fitful sleep. 

* * *

  
  


The bone chilling freeze of the water awoke Tommy quickly and as he opened his eyes they stung. The dark ocean surrounded him completely, swallowing up all light, leaving him with nothing but his own thoughts and the inky abyss. He looked around but made no move to swim upwards from where he was. He was too deep anyways. There was no way he would make it. But as he floated there, it reminded him of something, of somewhere that was so long ago it felt almost like a past life completely. 

He remembered the navy blue of the large coats they wore, how the sleeves had been just a little too long and the look in his brother's eyes as he led his little nation forward bravely. He remembered messy brown hair and a bright grin up at him and laughter. He remembered so much _warmth._

Then his lungs started to _burn._

That warmth turned into a searing pain that made him gasp for air, only to receive mouthfuls of salty water. 

This too was a memory, a struggle from a lifetime ago. His blue coat torn, the fury of betrayal in his heart, and sadness in his gaze. He remembered the way he was shoved back, out of the way of bombs. How he landed in water much like this and just watched the surface go up in flames. He watched his home burn in front of his eyes. And he did nothing. 

He stopped fighting the pull of the water. He couldn’t feel the cold any longer and the burning that had consumed his body faded to numbness, vaguely thinking about how similar this felt to when he saw Phil carrying his brothers body through the ruins of their once great L’Manburg. 

Was this what Wilbur felt before he died? 

Was this what he saw?

Nothing but the void as the world dimmed? 

_Was he scared to die?_

Tommy did nothing as his vision faded, but he swore he caught sight of a mess of brown hair. There was a muffled scream from above him. Thinking absently about how it sounded a little similar to his name. 

He let his eyes slide shut.

_Maybe I’m okay with dying._

* * *

  
  


Tommy awoke with a deep gasp and sputtering coughs. His eyes were wide and wild as his surroundings came into focus. The cabin walls. The wooden floors. The thick furs. The smell of leather and ink. He was grounding himself. There was no water surrounding him, suffocating him with a sense of the inescapable void. 

“--mmy… Tomm--Tommy!” a familiar voice called out to him, concern evident in the tone. 

Looking over he saw the bright yellow of his brother's doublet, the concerned expression, the way his hands twitched slightly as they had paused in reaching out to comfort the teen. 

“Will—“ his voice cracked. His throat was sore. 

“Are you alright? You’ve been out for almost a day.” 

Tommy felt the phantom chill of water settle over his shoulders and shuddered. 

His own fingers itched. The compass. They flew up to where it laid over his chest on the simple rope that kept it around his neck. It was still there. He was still there. Tubbo was there. 

“I’m—I’m okay.” 

“Okay, well, there’s something for you on the hill. I think someone came while you were asleep.”

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows, but stood slowly. His muscles ached and his head pounded. He made his way outside after stumbling down the stair to the grass and to the vague direction Wilbur had pointed. He lifted a hand to shield his eyes from the bright sun. Something shiny had reflected off its rays and to his face. 

Once they adjusted he pulled his hands away and on top of the hill stood a lone spruce tree, decorated in yellows, reds, and greens. There was a little yellow star on top. Tommy’s eyes filled with tears as he stood at the bottom of the hill staring up at the tree. 

As if shocked out of a trance he raced up the slope and nearly tripped over a little wooden box that rested away from the base of the trunk. Tommy looked down at it and read the note attached to the top. It was from Puffy. She had come to visit him. She must have heard about how much he wanted to see the large Christmas tree that laid in the center of the SMP. 

_“Thank you…”_ He whispered to no one at all, smiling through tears as he hugged the box close. 

It was the only good thing that had happened in days. 

That night Tommy went to bed more peacefully, listening to the same sounds of his elder brother writing and humming to himself from across the room. 

* * *

When he opened his eyes Tommy was back in the nether, but he was far from the nether hub. The rock formations around him were familiar and he looked down at the path beneath his feet. Looking left and right he saw it was unfinished. 

“Tommy,” That voice made his shoulders drop. 

“Dream.” 

“Are you going to finish this today or shall we head back?” 

Words spilled from his mouth before he could stop himself, “No. No. We can keep going.”

Every time Tommy got just a little too close to the edge of the black and grey path he could see Dream’s fingers twitch. He took that as a challenge and would always stand just a little too close. Just like he had days ago at the hub. They worked in a tense atmosphere for over an hour like that, Tommy just a bit too far out of Dream’s reach for the other man's comfort. 

“Hey, Dream,” He said to the other man who stood not far from him, watching his every move with rapt attention, “Watch this.” 

He didn’t mean to misstep this time. It had just happened. One moment he was stepping along the thin path and the next his foot slipped out from under him, off the edge. 

And then he was falling. 

He thought he would be more calm, his original plan had been to jump into the fiery ocean anyways, but as the quickly approaching lake of molten lava approached a scream tore itself from his throat, terrified and raw. 

_“Tommy!”_ He saw Dream above him, looking over the edge helplessly at him as he fell. His arm had been reached out to grab any part of the teen he could, but Tommy had slipped through his fingers too quickly. He sounded scared. Tommy could almost laugh, if only he could see the whole expression on the other’s face. 

The satisfaction was short lived however. What the teen had failed to notice were the jagged spikes of the Basalt that jutted up from the lake beneath where he had been building. 

_Fuck_. 

But it was too late, seconds later he hit the rocks with a sickening crack on the little Basalt island and his vision went dark. 

At least this was better than burning alive. 

* * *

Tommy threw himself forward and tumbled out of the makeshift bed in terror, his entire body trembling as he ran his hands along his chest and stomach, making sure there were no wounds. He could almost feel the phantom pain of the jagged grey spikes pushing through his skin, cracking bone and staining the rocks crimson with his spilled blood. He was shaking harder and was being smothered in the confined space of the cottage. 

That dream had been different. Cold waters switched for the scorching heat of the netherworld dimension. 

Throwing open the door of the space and stumbling down the two steps until he was on the flat ground, he felt bile rise in his throat and didn’t bother trying to hold it back, vomiting in front of the house ungracefully. It burned his throat as he heaved until there was nothing left but his lungs desperately gasping for clean air. 

“Tommy?”

“God, fuckin’—” He coughed, _“What do you want now?”_

“I just came to say hello. Am I not allowed to?” 

“No… You are,” The teen replied cautiously, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He grimaced at what he saw when he pulled away, he would have to wash his arms and face to get rid of the smell. 

“Well, get up. Enough of being on the ground.”

Tommy held his tongue, rolling his eyes. It would be easier that way. 

Instead, he pushed himself off the ground and picked up his pickaxe that laid against the barrels near the entrance to their outpost. He went straight for the water and dropped his arms into the expanse of blue, washing them off before he wiped his chin. Dream followed behind him lazily as he walked to another tent that sat near the gifted tree and dug around in a chest that looked like it came straight from another dimension. 

“Since when did you have an ender chest? How did I not notice this until now?” He sounded more curious than accusatory.

“I earned it myself. I got it myself, _you can’t destroy it. I got it myself.”_

Dream held up his hands in surrender, “I’m not! I’ll let you keep it for now.”

“For now?” Tommy nearly yelled, his temper was slipping. He would have to get a hold on it. 

“Okay, okay. You can keep it!” 

Tommy glared at him again before his eyes caught the shine of purple armor reflecting off the bright sun. Someone had come through the portal. Tommy had seen the blur of black and white under the helmet. 

“Who’s that?”

_“No one.”_ Tommy stepped in front of Dream. 

The man side-stepped him quickly, ”Who is that? I can’t tell.”

“Look at me. Look at me, look at me!”

Dream’s head turned towards him, “What?”

“How are you, Dream?”

He was met with silence and the masked face turned back towards where the portal laid behind a mound of dirt. Tommy sighed. 

Dream walked around the portal and looked into the nearby woods. But there was no one around but the two of them. 

“It was probably Phil,” Tommy suggested. 

“Phil?”

“He came. Once or twice.” 

_A lie._

_What Dream didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him._

“Hmn.” 

“Oh,” Dream spoke up after a few minutes, “You know what’s interesting? Technoblade lives over there. Phil probably went there.”

He pointed vaguely northwest of where they stood. 

_“What…?”_

“Yeah, it’s not far from here. Maybe a few days on foot.”

“Why would you exile me near him? Why would you do that? You know, I hate—The only person I hate equally as much as _you_ is _him!_ ”

Dream’s eyebrows shot up behind the mask and he let out a huff of a laugh.


End file.
